My login still works! And it's 2012 and I miss everyone but I've been gone for so long... I don't even know what to say! ;)
12 Delicious, Untouched Months Await...
How can anyone NOT get excited by the New Year? I'm pumped. I'm still in the office but I figured I'd switch roles for a moment and check on my fellow pervy monsters ;)
I'm hardly "Home" anymore but I wanted to wish each and every one of you sexies a Happy New Year!
I've had an ...interesting 2009. 2010 is going to rock the house.
I'm more spontaneous.
I'm going for what I want, getting rid of what I don't want, and laughing all the way - and I want all of those things for you and then some!!!
*winks* Keep it sexy while I'm gone, you know the rest...
Gettin' Outback With It
No rules, just right. Isn't that the tagline? Being a complete advertising nut has its positives - that slogan soaked into my brain and I often wonder if I oughta cut those devilish darlings a royalty check.
You see, that mentality - following my desires completely - has been leading me to some very delightful events and relevations.
Really, it's all in my favor. The longer I exist in my happy little world - not quite Zora, not quite Clark Kent - the more I realize that I really don't have to be #1.
I just have to get a score high enough to do what I want.
I think about that sometimes hwen I look back on my school days. It's not the kids that were around me that are memorable or even doing what they want to really do - it's the C students, the kids that barely cared and went through the motions. I'm starting to realize they were smarter than any of us could have ever imagined.
We brainiacs were so convinced that if we threw ourselves at school for 8 hours, then rushed home and cracked the books for nearly another eight, we were destined for greatness.
Ah, how silly of us.
I find myself looking at a few decisions with new eyes. I've been tapped for a position with another startup - I am not giving up my Clark Kent ventures in the slightest, but adding to them. Me and the other party get along so well it's unreal.
Now now, no pairings - he doesn't interest me that much. He sees only what I want him to see and nothing more. I'm having too much fun playing the naive little clueless one - mainly because he falls for it so easily.
I remember...wandering through Missouri ...and the darlings I had there...knew very well upon one look into my eyes I certainly am not clueless, nor am I all that naive anymore.
The thing about being a young black female absolutely into older white men is that you never /quite/ get past that overprotectiveness the older party has towards the young.
I still get checked on, still get those 'how are you doing, you need to update more' emails and letters. I still get phone calls from my most trusted.
A few years ago, it used to make me MAD. I would shiver with rage and scream, "I'm not a child! I can take care of myself."
Now I realize it's BECAUSE I CAN take care of myself that they DO check on me. They trust me with the basics, the intermediates, and - after realizing how far I've come - I've been known to be trusted with a few advanced things as well.
There's been some rain clouds, but the future looks so bright that I can't complain. I just ...can't. I have plans for 2010 that are simply delicious and they are going to work out this time. I have a more stable position - amusing to me, since I had to basically push myself into isolation to get it.
I can no longer ask others to create the security and stability I want. If I'm going to get anywhere, I must learn to take it and make it a consistent action. A single point of failure is what has caused the breakdown of my life in the first place.
Now then - what else is on the horizon? I'm going to continue to rest and bide my time - I'm *very* close to everything I want to do. I've been walking more and drinking a lot more water - I'm starting to see some fun changes in that department too. Mmm.
My pretty boy pet is fine - he's had some family stuff come up and I told him that while wrapping him around my fingertips has been thrilling, family comes first.
He forgets I'm not F--, I'm not his former mistress that told him that nothing else matters in the world except her.
How foolish. Even if that's your desire - for him to be so deep in you that everything fades and only you remain - the approach is all wrong. Sigh. It's unrealistic.
mr. C is back in my little stable - he still emails to remind me that he has never stopped believing in my grand agenda and if there's anything I need...don't ever hesitate to ask.
*giggles* Aww, my boys spoil a girl so much! I've gotten letters, even a card in the mail!!!
*snip* I was going to type something else, until I realized that this blog is still watched by one too many darlings. I'm not the evil mastermind in the comic book that reveals everything.
If you've seen Watchmen - I'm *that guy*. "I did it 30 minutes ago."
Except without the massive loss of life thing. Yeah...
Anyway - this isn't my usual sexy update, but it's been so long since I've written that I wanted to wander back in.
Laughter On High // Dream Elsewhere // A Return to the Ribbon Game
It's almost 3am and I'm normally up, but there's a few things I just wanted to write for a moment. Ironically, even though I'm not an active escort anymore, I still find this 'home' more than anywhere else online.
I'm finding that life is finally moving the way I want it to go - between my business and my other ventures (like the quiet training of m to my way of thinking - mmm, I'll talk about that inna bit), I'm a busy girl.
Not quite all Clark Kent, not all quite Superman. Not even Belle du Jour, really - I wouldn't say my identity is secret at all -- my inner circle is aware that I am more than one person, and more than the sum of my 'pieces'.
I got a chance to talk to JT - no no, he doesn't own a stockroom (I wish! Have you SEEN their BDSM gear? *melties*), but he always seems to give me clarity when I need it.
"You have an agenda," he reminds me. "My work here is to see that you fulfill it."
He's right. I've always been intrigued by building massive structures -- my Marlena, rest her soul, explained to me the importance of such things.
"You are a woman of nations! Act like it and keep building!"
I still hang on those words. Pressure? I just celebrated my 22nd birthday. This is not a sprint, but a lengthy marathon. It's like a savings account - I started early, so I'll be reaping massive rewards when the time is right.
Laughter on high tonight -- with JT saying what I needed to hear, even the pieces I didn't want to hear out loud. He makes me feel OK with the things I need to do next.
"You cannot take S with you, hell, you may not even be able to take me with you. But if we love you as we say we do, we'll understand."
His loyalty moves me to tears sometimes - always loyal, always dedicated and focused and charming. If only I was aroused by water instead of fire.
I'm a dreamer with an action taker's mentality -- my dreams light up my fire to keep moving, to keep going.
I was on a teleseminar earlier while reading m's erotic musings. To say we're 'together' is ...an interesting word for it.
He wants someone to claim him, but he's afraid of that person being me at the same time. We click - when we're together the sex is powerful and the emotions run high.
Dream elsewhere. Dream elsewhere of his lips on my neck while my hands are digging into his back. Dream elsewhere of his cute little moans as my heels find their way up his legs, dragging and scratching ever so gently.
"I think you're going to consume me, you know."
He's probably right - that's what I do. I created Zora long before I became an escort with the same name, because the BDSM monster ate me a long time ago. I dreamed of a world of my creation, and I realized that the business lessons I learned elsewhere would allow me to create such a world.
I drifted away from that purpose...thinking...that giving up the lifestyle I loved most...was worth being loved. Moving on from that, I realize that I am loved in all forms by the people who matter.
So we shifted back into the ribbon game, floating between our shared Clark Kent existence (I met him from work, so he's aware of both sides of this coin) and our own special world.
"Your empire will never have me as a capstone, lady. But please, as you build - put my pyramid block on the base."
I curled my lips into a grin as I ruffled his hair. "Oh? Are you implying that you are so important to me that you would be worthy to be on the base, the foundation of such a venture?"
I kissed his cheek sweetly. "As much as I fear admitting it out loud, I do think you're right."
He blinked and I laughed, rubbing his shoulders gently. "I shouldn't toy with you like this."
"I can't think of any other way for you to treat me."
I shifted, stretching. "Be careful - I play to win. Maybe that makes me worse than the women you've moved on from."
He blushed. "Yes, I know ...you're ambitious, power-happy and you can even be cold. I accept those things. I do not want to break the spell you have over me."
I nodded. "I don't wanna hurt ya, yer good to me."
"I'll be okay. I just need you here."
Where would my life be if I could accept? If I could settle instead of constantly looking at the stars and wanting to be in another galaxy far away? If I could settle, could deal, could accept 'comfort' over 'incalculable opportunities'?
The things that people adore in me - my zeal and my drive - are the very things that will never allow me to stop.
As I watched m pull away in that lovely truck of his (oh my, how many times have I played out little scenes in that large cab?), I realized that maybe, just maybe, I'll never really have to.
The ribbon game - this entire play by play of power, influence, control, leverage ...isn't something I necessarily have to win - but it is something I have to play. Maybe one day I'll get to a point where I can stop.
But oh, the way they twist themselves into the game is so arousing, darlings, you just don't *know*. :)
Or maybe it is me twisting...maybe it is me being played. It's hot either way - I've always thought that dominants are just as manipulated in BDSM as the submissives they toy with. The sub understands that our drive for control is our crutch, one we seek out over and over. I firmly believe that - can one really exist without the other?
It's 3:04am now. Time to finish up my project in the Clark Kent world and get ready for one screamingly bitchin' day. Let's get it!